Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
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