hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
