If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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