Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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