Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
