Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
