hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize