I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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