I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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