Your face is a jimmy john
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
