are you still at the devil's house?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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