Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
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