i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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