If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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