i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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