I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize