I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
