come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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