oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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