Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
