I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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