Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
