He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
