I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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