I'd wear matching sweaters with you
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Randomize
