i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
