Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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