wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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