when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
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