bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
