The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
