i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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