totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I got inside last night via doggy door
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Randomize