I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
