I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
