You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
