I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
