you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
