I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize