she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Randomize
