Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
