I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
