My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
