Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
We need to rekindle our bromance
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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