you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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