i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
