So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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