She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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