No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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