Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
