I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
