dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Randomize
