glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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