I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
