We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
