im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
