On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
