apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
