is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
