your parents love me but you hate me
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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