The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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