Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
