"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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