we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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