This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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